Wednesday, August 26, 2009

On Why I am a Terrible Driver

So, I will be the first person to tell you that my driving skills are less than ideal. Which is great, because I drive a large, menacing SUV. I have a perfect driving record (knock wood), but I owe most of that to my uncanny ability to act just stupid enough around law enforcement that they believe I am not a risk to anyone. I was once pulled over without a license OR registration and was still let go without so much as a warning.

I blame my bad driving on the fact that I've done most of my driving in Utah. Everyone is a bad driver here. Worse than me! And everyone drives Suburbans! It's a dangerous place out there.

But I discovered the reason why.

Today, after hitting the library after nap time, I decided to shlep the kids to the next town over, so I could indulge in my life-absorbing obsessing with the self serve frozen yogurt place. I've had it three out of the last four days. YEAH. I know. Anyhow, as we were driving along, Addison was talking to Andrew. Their carseats are right beside each other because I occasionally have an extra kid in the car and it sucks to have to make them sit in the middle and install boosters and all the rest of it. Addison was trying to get my attention while I WAS TRYING TO LISTEN AND SING TO JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE. First mistake.


....cry me a river! cry me a river!

"MOM!" don't have to say, what you did, I already know, I found out from HIMMMM


"Ugh, What Addison!"

"Andrew likes my flip flops."

"Oh really?" (This is my standard kid reply when I don't want to further the conversation. Addison has yet to take the hint.)

"He does!"

"Yeah, how do you know?"

"Because he's chewing on my toes."


"ADDISON! DO NOT LET ANDREW EAT YOUR TOES" At this point in time I start reaching back to swat at her leg, which this is HA-larious.

Then I had to utter words that I never thought I would have to say.

"For the love of pete, Addison! Do not put your feet in your brother's mouth!"

I sounded like SUCH a mom.

We made it to Yogurt Bliss in one piece. Andrew's mouth was promptly washed out with some Ripe Raspberry while I lectured Addison on behaving in the car. It's bad enough that I have to produce mass amounts of children and drive in an SUV like everyone else in this state. But maybe, just maybe, everyone here is a crappy driver because they are too busy removing their children's toes from their other children's orifices, and just didn't get the chance to stop at that red light.

I hear ya.


Diamond said...

Ha Ha! I totally understand. My kids new pass time is to smell each others feet. They have even done this during dinner, because there's nothing to do at the table when one doesn't eat.

Carolyn said...

LOL. Such a funny story. You are way nice to give Utah drivers the benefit of the doubt :)

Uncle Rynie said...

Whoa whoa whoa... Back up for just one second.

I'm *not* supposed to chew on dirty feet??? Where was I for this lesson in health class?

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