Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Jae's Anatomy: Week 6 - On How to Annoy Me if You are a Nurse

K, I know, I KNOW nurses have a hard job. But sometimes I feel like that job is to professionally annoy me to death during my stay. So let me shed my normally sunny disposition to teach everyone the correct way to make me want to cut off my monitors and hang myself with them, in the nursing sense of pure torture. Let me say that this only applies to about three or four of my nurses, most are peaches. But some need to be banned from the profession entirely.

1) Come into my room and become distracted by the television. Because you are, after all, a professional television watcher, and my hard earned money should go towards your love of crappy morning shows. For extra points, talk to me about what you're watching as I studiously type on my computer OBVIOUSLY WORKING, unlike some people.

2) Come in, ask if I need more water. Shake my water bottle and don't hear any evidence of ice or water left in it. Leave it anyways.

3) Try and take my vital signs while I am eating dinner. What's that? You need to take my blood pressure RIGHT NOW, even though I KNOW there is only two of us left in antepartum? K, can I finish my bite of manufactured mashed potatoes first?

4) While taking my temperature, please feel free to jam the thermometer as far into my ear as humanly possible. It feels good.

5) Ask me when was the last time I had a bowel movement. No really, ask again. I LOVE TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT IT. I definitely need to divulge that information during each shift. I assure you, the status does not change every four hours and you can rest assured that whatever I told the last nurse still stands.

6) Be falsely enthusiastic about my condition and baby. Say things like "RIGHTY-O!".

7) Ask me if I'm bored. No, in fact my 15x15 room has far too much stimulation for my liking, could you please move me into a supply closet?

8) While adjusting my monitors at 3am, attempt to make small talk with me. I AM ON DRUGS. Act offended if I roll over and go back to sleep because I have either a) given up with trying to make any kind of contact with you. b) gotten mad because you have yet to find the baby after 20 minutes. Its not like he has gone anywhere new. c) Gotten up to go to the washroom after finding said baby because you've been fondling my bladder with wreckless abandon all night long.

9) Use antibacterial sanitizer as a conductor for my monitors. It feels really good when it BURNS ME. Also, ignore the good nurse who took the bottle out of the room and bring in another one. Place it right beside the conductor gel, so that it more than likely happens again.

10) Definitely turn the light on when you come into my room in the middle of the night. Fluorescent lights are super soothing and extremely conducive to a good night's sleep.

K, so I've been here for only 6 weeks, and maybe I've let some issues build up. I've become the worst nurse snob and check my chart obsessively to see who has me for the shift. A bad one throws my entire day off, while a good one turns me into a delightful model patient with a good attitude. I am going to ask if I can work in hospital HR, simply so I can pass judgement on crappy nurses.... no names, no names... cough*LINDA*cough.



Anonymous said...

Jae - you don't know me, but I'm from BBC. Anyway, I've been reading your blog faithfully and wanted to let you know I'll be thinking about you and your family over the next several days. I hope that the induction goes smoothly and you're able to meet your sweet babies soon!

Natalie Pyles said...

Wow! Some of that sounded familiar, but you've got it bad, way worse than I remember. I remember Linda I think. I thought I'd never forget the dozens of nurses I came to know there, but I have. I'd know there faces I think, but not their names anymore. Get ready to start getting to know the NICU nurses. Seriously, not kiding, I'd keep a chart of the NICU nurses that you have so that you can find one that you like the most and hurry and request her to be your 'primary'. I'd recommend Jen and Carmen. Can't remember her last name, but she has dark brown hair and she's an angel. There are some NICU nurses that I hated. can't remember their names, sorry, but pay attention to the nurse each shift and keep notes on them.

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