Thursday, April 17, 2008

Name Snob

Moms of the world, be aware. I am a name snob. If you tell me your child's name, I will immediately make snap judgements about you based on your kid's name. I'm not proud of it, but it is who I am. If I like your child's name, so be it, I will think more of you as a person. If I don't, there is a good chance we can't be friends anymore. I'm sorry, I know it's shallow, but the whole time I stay friends with someone with a bad baby naming style I won't be able to think of much more than "Paisley? She named her kid Paisley?"

Sorry, I really hate the name Paisley. What's next? Plaid? Houndstooth?? Please.

I am just too passionate about kid's names, knowing that they WILL grow up to be adults. No one is going to hire poor Paisley McGee. Unless it is a textile factory, who may think she is some kind of crazy eccentric expert and hire her on the spot, the child has no hope for a successful future.

There are a few categories of people who I cannot be friends with, based solely on the things they think are acceptable when it comes to naming babies.

1) Bad name spellers. You know the ones. They take a perfectly normal name (usually hyper-popular) and then ruin it by throwing in extra consonants and vowels wherever their little hearts desire until it is completely unrecognizable. This is especially annoying because I have a hard to spell name, and it is spelled traditionally. I can't understand why someone would take an easy to spell name and make it harder! Do you hate your child? Do you want his/her name butchered to pieces by every teacher/doctor/person they come in contact with? The logic escapes me. Just because you spell it weirdly doesn't mean your kid's name isn't Tom. Even if it is spelled Thoam. If you still don't know what I mean, I'll demonstrate using the top ten list of 2007. Acceptable names turned retarded by a bad speller. By the way, doesn't it make the parent look totally illiterate? I think so!

Sophia = Sofeea
Isabella = Izzybella
Emma = thank goodness there is no possible way to spell this weird.
Madison = Madasyn
Caden = Kaiden, Kayden, kjhlkuhg, there are a number of ways for this one.
Addison = Adisyn (I actually saw this once and threw up in my mouth a bit.)
Jackson = Jaxon
Emily = Emmalee (makes me shudder.)
Kaitlyn = Catelyn, K8tlyn

Most bad baby spellers favour the letter 'y', and sprinkle them gratuitously through the name.

2) Themers. You know what I'm talking about. All their kids have some kind of cutesy theme to link their names. I am all for family naming, in fact, I love when you hear kid's names and you can tell they're in the same family. I'm not even talking about all starting with the same letter, just the same style. There is a lady who goes to my gym who has two boys, Owen and Omar... and I am like really? Where the heck did Omar come from? But I digress.

What I really hate is the themers who name all of their kids after places. (Maybe where they were conceived? Gross.) There was the set of twins named Hunter and Fisher. Or I know one lady who names her kids after dead rockstars. SO TERRIBLE. This is not a matching game people. JUST GIVE THEM NORMAL NAMES!!

3) Hyper feminine/masculine names. Honestly, these are just so unnecessary. We know your child is a girl, thanks to ginormous hair bows, frilly dresses and bracelets. You don't need to name her Princess Valentine Girly McGirlyson for that to be known. Just warning you now, she WILL end up to be a stripper. Period. Likewise, if you name your son Thor, Butch or Rex (or if you really want to burn me, combine #1 and #3 and go with Rhex) I WILL make fun of you. A manly name will not make him more manly. Honestly, he'll probably end up gay (and the femmy gay at that!) just to spite you. Lets not go to extremes.

So basically, as long as you avoid these 3 major naming faux pas, we can be friends. And not only will we be friends, your child will thank you. It is hard enough to get through life, without having to endure it with a name like Paisley. (By the way, her sisters are Denim and Lace.)


Carolyn said...

hahahah, I totally agree with you. Except we are one of those "Y" people with Jordyn. Now I know how you really feel, LOL! :)

Jae said...

haha Carolyn, at least Jordyn is a common spelling! We couldn't be friends if it was Jhoardyn.

michelle said...

Phew, so glad I read this before I started having kids. I would like to hang on to our friendship. I guess I'll scratch Paisley and Omar off my list. But seriously, Denim and Lace...tell me you're kidding. Jae, you're hilarious!
Pmyshel (the P is silent)

Nathaly said...

Can I be exempt from this because of my nationality? It makes the name thing so hard!

And you're preaching to the choir on the name spelling thing.


Jae said...

Nat, I was totally going to mention you in this post, seeing as you are the queen of confusing name spellings. But I love you anyhow, because you didn't name yourself. lol.

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