Elimination Retardation

Yeaaaaah so.

I was with one of my neighbours last night, who I adore because we have the same anti-supermom outlook on motherhood. We got to talking about how we'd really, really like to be "crunchier" (more natural) mothers, but it just isn't going to happen. Where most natural mommy practices I really would love to take part in, I just don't find the time or I just know it's not for me. Cloth diapers, for instance, are a great idea. I just can't do it guys. Once that toxic poop emerges, I need it out of my house. But I do see the value in cloth diapering, what with it being very environmentally friendly and good for the baby. Breastfeeding I wholeheartedly agree with, as well. Great for baby, and unless there are problems preventing it, I am 100% in support of. Even things like homemade baby food, although it's not something I'm particularly in to, I understand why a mother would choose that for her baby. Babywearing, where you basically "wear" your baby in a sling for the better part of the day, if that's your cup of tea, (I almost wrote cup of teat and then laughed hysterically) then so be it. Personally, while I loved the sling at the mall or doing dishes, after a certain period of time the idea of another human touching me for so long drives me to shut myself in my room for hours with my Nintendo DS and a really bad episode of Passions. Even "peaceful parenting", if it is what your child responds best to, and you're actually doing it and not lying that you're a peaceful parent to make yourself look better compared to mom's like me who are HUMAN and yell "IF YOU PUT ANOTHER CAN OF SPRITE IN THE TOILET I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I WILL FEED YOU TO RABID MONKEYS!!!!" Then fine, I am okay with peaceful parenting. (Although I do notice that most "peaceful parents" call themselves such when they have a tiny six month old at home. Of course you're a peaceful parent, your kid sleeps all day. I was peaceful back then too.) Want to have your baby at home? Faaaantastic. You go right ahead and do it, and I won't blink an eye. Personally, I can't imagine how stressed I would be that my house was getting messy while trying to birth a baby there. AH! Those are my new linens. Someone load the dishwasher!!! What do I do with this placenta? But I do understand why some women are more comfortable at home, and I fully support their rights to make that choice.

Good, so we've obviously clear, right? I love crunchy mommies and think they are doing awesome things, even if it may not be something I choose to do myself. Right. K.

Now, there is one practice that is the ultimate crunchiness, that I just CAN'T understand why ANYONE in their right mind would do. Ever. No exceptions.

Elimination communication.

K, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit while typing out that term.

Don't know what it is? Elimination communication is a practice which basically, you don't diaper your baby at all. Instead, you follow their physical and emotional cues that they need to *ahem* eliminate, and have them go... either in a toilet, a sink, a bush, a parking lot. You name it. Now, let me tell you my real beef with Elimination Communication. It's something I'll never understand. WHY DO YOU WANT TO MAKE MORE WORK FOR YOURSELF? My goodness, every mother will tell you that they are burned out and exhausted and tired, but honestly if you are taking on something like this, you're asking for it. I can't imagine being more stressed out than being in a car in a traffic jam and wondering when would be a good time to pull over to let my child pee on the side of the interstate. Honestly I can't think of a WORSE idea. And yes, I know that urine is sterile and bee bloo blah, but I STILL don't want pee in my sink while I'm trying to brush my teeth. Also, as much as I *love* getting up in the dead of the night to tend my child, the last thing I want to do is wake up twice a night to hold my kid over a bowl so she doesn't wet the bed. My word. You can see some lovely pictures of a mother "peeing" her child in various places here. My favorite is when she lets us know how much he enjoys watching the stream. DIS-FREAKIN-GUSTING.

I would really like to see the rulebook where the mother who sacrifices the most time and energy and SANITY wins the Best Mom Ever award. Honestly, if that's what it takes, I don't want it. I will happily forfeit my badge of mommy honor if it means I can retain some semblance of sanity by not completely ruining my life by trying to do everything in my power to make my job harder. Motherhood is already hard, why not take the few shortcuts that we're given ie: DIAPERS in order to make it just a millimeter easier?

But we all know those Elimination Communication moms are out there, smugly aware that they have made the ultimate sacrifice, dedicating their entire lives to the bowel movements of their darling babies. Guess what? You win.





Congrats. I think you're stupid.