Thursday, May 6, 2010

If I Should Die Before This Blog Post

I hope I'm not tempting fate by writing this post. But if there's anything you need to know about me, it's that I have a highly overactive imagination. To a ridiculous degree. The other day, I was getting the kids ready to take a walk. As I strapped Andrew in the stroller, I head what I thought was a crying sound coming from outside the house. MY OVERACTIVE imagination made up this whole story in my head about how it could be a baby, that someone left on my porch and I would have to rescue it. Of course, I knew it wasn't, but it didn't stop me from peeking up on my porch before we went on our way.

It was a cat.

So, it is with my imagination that I find myself thinking about death often enough. I don't really think about how I'll die, or when, or where, or even what will happen after.

Mostly I just think about my funeral.

Morbid, right? But that's the thing. I've cooked up such an AWESOME party for my one-day funeral that I think it will actually be pretty cool. And funny. SO! In an effort to make sure that I get the funeral OF MY DREAMS, I will document what I want right here. Then there will be no excuses.

1) I want everyone to wear Groucho Marx glasses to my funeral. EVERYONE. I want there to be a big pile at the front of the door, and no one will be allowed entry without them. I figure that no one can be really sad when everyone looks ridiculous. I don't want an open casket funeral, but if it HAS to happen, I'd like to be wearing some too.

2) I don't want any sad, "SEE YOU ONE DAY SOB SOB SOB" songs to be played. Instead, I'd like the funeral to kick off with Coldplay's Viva La Vida, and everyone pretending to conduct an orchestra, just like I do in my car. Any other songs are fine, as long as they aren't sappy and drawn out.

3) I don't want any speakers to go up and tell lies about me. There are some things I will never be; among them, calm, patient, nonjudgmental or sweet. I have many good qualities, but I am none of those. Don't pretend I was someone that I wasn't. I totally support someone going up there and saying I could be really sarcastic, cranky and cynical at times. That is truth in advertising, folks.


5) I'd like my headstone to say, "Jacqueline C., THE LEGEND"

Can you guys all handle that. I SWEAR, if I die and am watching my own funeral from the afterlife, and everyone is singing mopey songs and saying what a domestic housewife I was I WILL HAUNT YOU ALL ON HALLOWEEN.


J.T. and KristaLyn said...

I would like to comment on this post, but I'm not really sure what to say?? So.....Jacqueline C- THE LEGEND!!

Sheriece said...

Should I outlive you, I promise to wear the Groucho Marx glasses and even a lobster on my head if you'd like. I also promise to play the Glee soundtracks. And I'll mention what awesome beautiful desserts you made, how psychotic you were about your kids' birthday parties, and how you helped me to pick out all of my cutest clothes.

Misty said...

I hereby swear that if you die before me, I will do everything in my power to track down Paul Bunyan and get him to tell some stories about drinking out of a river with a bear at your funeral. Or at least at the after party. While wearing Groucho Marx glasses, of course.

Jae said...

Misty, please have Paul Bunyan tell completely untrue stories about me at my funeral. I want people to be impressed about the time I (didn't) save a baby from a burning building.

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