How to Clean Your House in Three Seconds or Less

I'll never be known throughout history as the domestic type. I do my best to keep the house clean and cook dinner, but sometimes it just doesn't happen. Of course, Justin would love a 50s-type housewife who was waiting at the door in full makeup with slippers and a four course meal.

And then we laughed and laughed.

Anyway, I am very good at keeping up an illusion of a clean house, and when I really want to go the extra mile, I do my three second clean house trick.

Are you ready?

Step One: Choose something large and bulky. Ideal items include an old diaper box, a bag full of clothes for charity, garbage or sleeping bags. Drag them into a prominent area of the house, such as the kitchen or family room.

Step Two: Allow the large item to sit in your chosen room for three or four days. Let it get comfortable. Make it a part of the decor. Require your husband to step over it several times a day.

Step Three: On the third day, remove the item and shove it somewhere where it cannot be seen. My location of choice is the guest room, which is perpetually full of mailing supplies, luggage and winter clothes.

Step Four: Relish the happy smile that appears when your husband gets home from work and notices that the house suddenly looks neater. Then tell him you had a really busy day but had a little time to pick up the house. Then go out and get a Little Ceasar's pizza.

You deserve it.